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Dear Bro

lonely-man-city (1)
I will be coming home soon to check on folks and make some few adjustments. Then I will go back to where I was hiding to deliberate more on the future prospects of this old house. I might just set it on fire and watch it go down in flames. I will attempt to cry a little, shed a tear just to feel guilty. Well,  there has been fond memories here. It’s here that I might have broken my virginity. Well, literary, and don’t we all remember our firsts, messy as it was.
I wanted to come back to a new house,  better furniture,  country lawns, coolest views; even if I will have to create an illusion of a lake out there down my bedroom window. But few things didn’t work out. Part of why I am coming home. We shall all have a great time as we reminisce on that girl that made us jump fence and that particular day we woke up and suddenly realize we are boys no more. And Rita is now a mother of little Linda who is already in kindergarten. And hot former slay queen Jacky who used to date only the ‘coolest’ bros in the hood is now settled with ugly Gabriel- who,mighty God’s wonders never cease, knocked up sweet Jacky not once, but two times in quick succession. She dropped her  weaves and mascara and now she says she is hash tag team natural. I hear she sings in a Choir and heads the Holy Ghost Fire ministries- women of Faith battalion. Hm. Who would have thought?
We shall make fun of Mutwiri. That bully that broke your nose back in the day. I met him two weeks ago and he has grown fat beyond measure. well at least there is no surprise there. I hear he owns a butchery.
Remember Philomena? No you don’t of course. She was those quiet ones who used to slide meekly between Class-Library-Church.Repeat. Class-Library-Church. You wouldn’t notice her you fool.
I met her last weekend at 1824. Now she calls herself Phena. Cute. Of course I couldn’t remember her. I was sited quietly alone drinking my hard things when this slay queen with weaves long enough to touch her ass and some big bull nose rings made her way towards my angle. She stood there smiling hard at me. She had taken a lungful draw on sheesha before coming my way.  She was still coughing smoke. I couldn’t see her face.
I thought she was one of those, and she wanted to score a night with me. I would have shown interest if it were few years back, but now I don’t go down with random panty droppers no more. Too much free sex floating around. I miss the chess man. You know how we Leos do. We pride in the hunt. But we have reduced that adventure to sweeping left on Tinder and pap! Sex drops itself on your doorstep like some magic cat. smh.
But I digress.
She sat there looking at me…smiling all her sunshine  and when she realized her little game wasn’t working she stood up and poked her finger on my chest. Girl what the..?
I thought she was now getting weird and you know we don’t do drama these days. I was just getting to move away when she Shouted my name. Asking me why I was ignoring her. Dude! You cant imagine the shock waves.
The transformation on that lass was something out of some sci-fi. What happened to the  full ghost virgin Mary of the college days? She has grown herself some ass too. Real nice! We grind for sometime and trust me man, had I had more of something I would have gotten some practical ideas with her.  Well, not that I didn’t think about it. You know. I thought about it. Then I asked myself some sober questions. What would a Fisi do?  I I took her to my place anyway. She slept in my couch, silly.
How do they grow ass so quickly these days? Phew!  I have her contacts by the way. Let me slide you way some of the selfies we took that night. I am planning some barbecue on my birthday next weekend. Just some few close friends. I invited her and she is game. Pop up…bring those hyena canines of yours. You might just get lucky.
 Jane now is married to some loser and I hear she has not gotten a baby yet. Serves her right!  Is there another Jane in my life you idiot? My Jane! Fool. I have to be emotional about Jane. She was my woman for four damn years! Four years in which she aborted my child. I will never forgive that woman. Of course I never stopped loving her. But forgiveness is another thing. Thinking about her just makes me lose it.
Of course I know where they live. I even knocked on that brown gate one day when I couldn’t hold it anymore. The husband- a short hairy Monkey- opened the gate but Jane stood behind her monkey and acted like I was some irritating Jehovah witness. Bro, do I look like some gospel peddler? I wasn’t even carrying some bible for crying out loud! And I wasn’t definitely in some green suit.
Yeah….that’s what she told the husband. ‘Bae….these Jehovah’s witnesses have become too much. He was here yesterday and I told him we don’t buy that storo…..let’s go in. It’s getting cold out here’
Can you imagine that shit? Jane of all the people. Who didn’t know that our stars were aligned together? See why I told you never trust these people?
Sigh. Heavy. Heavy sigh.
Well. I am not always like this. Whenever I think about Jane my life get sucked out of me and I get breathless. You know why? I think that right there is some real feeling. No….I have tried dating but all these women are as empty as vacuum cleaner. All they do is suck suck suck no matter what…
Anyway let’s no get into that. Tell mama she is not meeting anyone clinging my arm any day soon. But I will call her tomorrow. I miss those fights with her.
Now before I sign out here is the fun part. Remember Humpty Dumpty Moha back in highschool? I think that nigga is into drugs or something illegal. Not doing drugs, silly. Rather pushing! And he is not just some hobo peddling shit in street corners. He must be in the big boys league. Like a cartel mafia king or something. Brother rolled in my neighborhood few weeks ago in some serious Bentley. I couldn’t believe it.
You know back in high school Moha was one of the dumbest human beings on the planet. He was somewhere between normal and down syndrome. Nigga used to score straight Es in all subjects. Straight Es I tell you! He however stunned us in the final exam with a D- in one subject. That was a record score in the history of Moha’s treacherous academic sojourn.
But look at brother today. Rolling in cheddar like nonsense. I asked him what he does and he was like:
‘ Come to my office we shall talk!”
Hahahahahaha!
I have never laughed that hard man. This life is so twisted. Who would have thought Humpty Dumpty dumb Moha would one day ask anyone to see him in his office, With a straight face,in some Armani, 100k worth brogues,  eyes hidden behind some gold rimmed Ray-Bans smelling like a million bucks?
I lost his card immediately we parted ways. Not that I would have mind some of that cheese. As a matter of fact I am broke running on empty and we shall discuss about this when I get home. That’s why you notice all along I have been pulling your leg with these useless gossip?
I don’t know how they end mails these days. I haven’t written for sometime. So I will just send. And email back. Don’t call me! I want to read of the small gossips about the village. Then when I come home all the ice will have broken. Then we can have a talk.

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